Being Irish, and having met my fair share of bores in my day...I think I could write a book on this topic. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a writer and it would just end up being a hot mess of emotion and ramblings of someone who doesn't know how to verbalize that feeling of wanting to fall asleep mid way through a conversation. I just can't bring myself to try and intellectualize how bored I am with trying to impress girls in their early twenties with a new set of shellacs and who have being going to a zumba class every 'tuhrsdey' for 'di past tree years'.
So I'll just give you my low down on how to be boring based on my observations!!
Collect Christmas Presents (and put them in a little 'Christmas Corner')
When you are wandering around town on a Saturday with Katharine who recently just came back from Spain and has a tan now...you need to have your 'potential Christmas present' radar on full blast. Okay...so you went in to town to pick out an engagement ring for Katherine because some dope agreed to marry her...but you are also in there to suss out if you can add anything to your ever mounting 'Christmas present' heap. Yes, it may be mid March...but deep down all you can think of is new and slightly OCD ways of further organizing your boring life. You should always buy a ridiculously expensive candle if it is made with natural odor free candle wax AND on sale. You should then go home and tuck it away with all the other 'bits and bobs' you've been collecting all year so you can look like you have extravagant amounts of cash to burn once Christmas finally roles around. You can then claim that it was a last minute rush to buy presents. Little do all your present receivers know...the presents have been wrapped for well over three weeks MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Talk about how the hay is maturing
So the plant itself was cut 5 weeks ago...and Paddy and his sons have been bundling it all in to a stack since. They are basically making hay stacks. Cows need to eat this...and we all know the importance of cows; they are fertile chatting grounds for old biddies who need to be in the know about cows and their...cow-ness. Now in case you think this is a joke...young people talk about hay. Apparently the maturity of the hay is imperative...read the following to learn more:
page=GuidesHowToMakeGoodQualityHay&pgForward=businesscontentfull
Once that is read; ensure you are wearing tracksuit bottoms and white trainers. Also, don't forget to say it flippantly to 'Joe' who's giving you a lift back home from mass.
Start biting your lip instead of talking to people
Pick a spot and keep at it until it's turned white. This should be what you turn to when you are sick of worrying about that conversation you had with that guy who has probably forgotten you exist. While you are worrying about said guy...you should engage in one of these destructive habits. Make sure you look really odd when you are doing it and ensure you are focused intently on the act itself as a means of distraction. Do this for hours while you watch videos of cats getting scared by cucumbers.
Warning: this may backfire if you get too in to it. For example you may look so bizarre while doing this in public that people will start seeing you as a bit eccentric...which is not really boring...so.
Stop talking to people unless you want to nag them
Let's face it...you know everything. You got an A in Chemistry for the leaving cert, you probably sailed through uni...and now you can afford a Michael Korrs bag because you get paid loads for being a Chemo teacher. Mom is a childminder, and Dad is an accountant...you don't really know your sister cuz she's like, 10 years your senior...but her hubby has a Lamborghini. So what's the use in talking to people? You already know it all! You can write a mean thesis and you drank chardonnay once from a crystal wine glass at Rachel's do...not that you really like that stupid bitch, anyway. Rachel kissed Daveo (the knacker who thought you were a knacker too for a while in second year because you put the accent on around him) so she can go fuck herself...but that's not the point, like. The point is that you have shit to do (like stalk ex boyfriends on facebook) you don't have time for actual human interaction with fucking...people! God! What a pain in the hole! Actually talking to the vermin that cough and breath and talk and...eugh! In fact...next time one of them do talk to you...tell them to take a fucking shower before they even look at you! By doing this you will turn in to such a human-phobic snooty little bitch; that you'll simultaneously end up spending vast amounts of time alone, and repelling anyone you do meet! This will inevitably make you boring as your social skills will slowly but surely dwindle away...turning you in to a bore. Good job!
Become obsessed with your nails
Nothing says self obsessed like a Santa hat painted on a dead lump of keratin growing out of your finger! It will set you back about 50 euro...but it's just so cutey!!! Awh! I mean, you do need to feed that musician boyfriend of yours who can barely make ends meet with just a fiddle...but santa nails are so much more important. Plus, they make you look so much more adorable! And we all know that's what men look for! Forget about brain power or actual intelligence...nails...that's the way to go!
Travel all around the world instead of getting a job (when you are young)
Seen as you have just graduated and haven't a cent to your name...this should be a prime time to start traveling. It doesn't matter how you make the dough! Beg, clean toilets, do the robot on Grafton street for change, steal money from old women, rob your sister's piggy bank...I don't care! All you need to know is that you need to travel! You need to get on a plane and haul your ass to Japan before any one else does because otherwise...you won't look like you are a stuck up travel snob who needs to show everyone that you have enough money to do this...with no money! Go and travel to places you can't afford to travel to...and you are too young and stupid to appreciate! You need one up on that loser you were friends with in fourth year who visited her family in war torn Serbia a few years ago. In this vain attempt to seem more cultured, you are actually swapping precious time staying in one interesting place for a long enough time to really appreciate it...for a few frivolous weeks in some random country like Sweden...where no one really cares much about your existence. This, counter productively, will make you feel like nothing in your normal life is good enough; and thus make you less appreciative of what you already have. This lack of appreciation will give you an undeserved superiority complex, and serve to make the rest of your life boring and under whelming in comparison. You will find ways to sabotage your life...and ultimately, make it boring. Well done!
Spend 2,000 euro on an outfit that makes you look like a clone
The best place to do this is in Brown Thomas. They have things that are far too expensive for the lay man...and yet they make you look more like a lay man than anything from a thrift shop. The idea is to accumulate as many items of clothes, shoes, and purses as is humanly possible. You basically want to be able to fill a small room full of expensive, boring clothes. There is an downside to this boring tip though...you may look like another boring clone...but you will inevitably end up feeling important..so you can live in your own little deluded dream land, while still in fact looking (and most likely acting) like a boring clone.
Laugh at nothing with unfunny people
Laugh at the fact that when you were trying to get cream out of a cream dispenser in Lloyds pharmacy...nothing came out. You should have a crew of about three pharmacist assistants around you at this time giggling in unison. You should be thinking 'this is not funny' the whole time...and yet you should continue to laugh. Why are you doing this? Because you are a polite cunt...and frankly, you are not witty enough to make a comment worthy of a laugh...so you may as well stick to what you're good at...being a dumb ass. This will make you both socially awkward and boring! Go you!
Volunteer for the sake of looking like a good Samaritan
Let's face it...you couldn't give a shit about Concern Worldwide...who the hell even are those babies? Someone give that child a plumpy nut right now and get the buggers off my telly! I know that's how you feel...but even though deep down you are a massive selfish prick...that looks bad on a C.V. So basically you need to make people think you give a fiddler's fart to get a good job. You want to be a doctor ffs! Go down to an animal shelter and help out with all the dying dogs..and act like you give a shit more than other people, right? Then when you get home and have nothing to make you stressed out...remember that there are literally millions of wars going on around the world. Post up a terrifying image of some random scene from some random war...terrify all your friends on facebook, eat your dinner...and go to bed. This makes you look like a pretentious moron, who genuinely thinks he/she is a better person than others because he/she pretends to really care about the plight of the animal. I suppose we need not know that you scoffed down half a cow that same evening, and went out to Reads in your real leather jacket to buy a book on 'how to manipulate people'. The fact that you think you are smarter and more interesting than me because you volunteer at a shelter, already proves that you are too boring and dumb to ever come close.
Send Panda emojis to your friends
Nothing says 'I'm a boring retard' more than a panda emoji! After all, we have millions of emojis to chose from now...it used to be limited to just :) and :(... gradually people started using :P ... and it was all down hill from there. Why say :D when you could just say:
You're just deep like that.
Become a News Whore
Watch the news every. Single. Day. Whenever you have a free minute start researching conspiracy theories, and start talking to the dunderheads who actually believe half the rumours that are going around! Instead of making your life more fulfilled by spending time with people you actually know and who love you, become engrossed in what is going on a million miles away...and try to solve it with your brain power! Keep the news channel on all day long to make sure you don't miss out on one horror strory! Fill your head with none sense being spewed by anchormen, and get sucked in to the excitement surrounding the next WORLD WAR! Start believing the world revolves around you, and with enough will power...maybe you can make these wars stop. Maybe you should consider power wanking over your computer to somehow send your energy to the middle east. That will probably end the conflict! Your lack of an actual life, and fixation on things that have nothing to do with you (ie: the news) will sooner or later turn you in to a walking train wreck. You will probably turn to drink to ease the pain. Eventually, your whole life will fall apart, people won't want to spend time with you and you'll be left all alone, with your newspaper. Don't say I didn't warn you.
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR JOURNEY TO BECOMING A BORE!
