My thoughts on entering my final year of my twenties...Like anyone gives a shit...

Welcome back to my blog, stalker friend. If I don't know you, welcome to my blog where I rant about random shit and hope someone can appreciate it. If I do know you, where have you been throughout most of my twenties? Abandoner.... Jaysuuuus. Okay, well this is gonna be a train of consciousness rant, so prepare yourself.

So, in a few hours I'll be turning 29, and honestly I'm not sure how I feel about this. As a teenager and early twenty-odd I always viewed 29 as that 'insecure' age where people go a bit weird for 365 days. It's as if they are trying to make up for all the things they missed out on for most of their twenties, in one year. Since for most, being in your twenties is the final 10 years where you won't be burdened down with children. It was a weird feeling for me when I turned 24, since I knew by then my mother had already given birth to me. I couldn't quite get my head around the fact that I was the same age as my mother was when she gave birth to me, as I literally felt like that 'dogge' meme where dogge gets his head stuck in a fence. It feels as though most people have all their shit together, and I'm still struggling to figure this world out. I'm like a baby flung out on a pavement with no one to protect her. It just freaks me out that I'm at an age now where I can vividly remember my own mother being. I remember having a sinking feeling when I thought of my mom turning 30. 'I can't believe you're going to be thirty' I told her, knowing somewhere in the back of my mind, that this was probably an unusual sentence for most 6 year olds to be saying. 30 is young in many ways, but if you've really lived your life to its fullest, it should represent a milestone. I don't think it will for me, since I was cursed with being a 'creative type', I'll never really know what I want to do with my life, and I'll probably be job hopping for the rest of my days, never really settling in comfortably to a specific age. Ill always be that young at heart type, not on purpose, but because there are too many options to choose from, and my ADHD mind cannot settle on the right one for me.

I'm not going to lie, I still dress and act like a teenager, and it's not something I'm particularly ashamed of. Those were far more formative years for me than my twenties. So, I think acting and dressing like a teenager is not exactly a mortal sin or anything. I mean, there is one draw back, and that is the fact that I was a lazy blob of a teenager. I was always tired, and depressed about something or other. I remember thinking I'd grow out of my tiredness, but it never really went away, so I'm beginning to think that it was more than just teenage exhaustion, I don't think I was very mentally stable, and I still amnt. I had a lot of unresolved issues then, and I certainly still do now. However, it just seems so bizarre that the first two phases of ones life, are over within 19 short years. When there are only four in our entire 70-odd years of life. So it makes sense that one would treat phases 1 and 2 with equal consideration as phases 3 and 4. However, we don't have a lot of time to get through phases one and two. So, in my opinion, that's why dressing and acting like a 'teenager' is looked down upon so much in society; because it's viewed as taking inspiration from a phase in your life you didn't have much time to experience. However, much as I hated it, I felt a lot more as a teenager, everything seemed to be amplified, and I was far more astute than I am now. Then there's the whole added notion that 'your brain slows down in growth after your teenage hood', so you feel this insatiable urge to just stuff as much in there as you can, while your brain is in its final stages of being malleable. Sadly, I was an anxiety ridden mess as a teenager, and extra curricular activities was not something I did much of. I distinctly remember being hit in the head with a volley ball during one gym class, and being completely oblivious to it. I was a sports-monkey, with no coordination or any compulsion whatsoever to learn about it. So sadly most of my memories as a teenager are more memories of my own inner angst and confusion. Everything I did was tainted with anxiety and a lack of understanding of who I was, and a hope that I would eventually grow out of this. So, in terms of me 'dressing and acting like a teenager' it's not so much that I am dressing like a teenager or kid, it's that I'm dressing like someone who is in the process of exploration. I still haven't figured myself out, so why should I walk around acting and dressed like someone I'm not. I don't know who the hell I am or what the hell I'm doing on this planet, probably less so now than I ever did as a teenager. It's just that I'm developing bingo wings now, and my bum has sagged. So, as far as I'm concerned I was never a twenty-odd, I was a twenteen-odd, and that's legitimate.

In terms of looking forward, it's like one of two things, staring into a deep dark tunnel, or staring into the past. I'll either end up being exactly the same throughout my thirties, always stuck and pissing and moaning about everything, or I'll accept the fact that my life is coming to a slow but sure grinding halt, and I either make my mark on the world, or I leave without a trace. And that is a concept I've been grappling with since I was about 17. The fact that I could be hit by a bus or train tomorrow is a very real possibility, and is there much point in me creating un-exiting memories for prudence sake? While my teens were saturated with anxiety, my twenties were saturated with shame and guilt. I felt guilty for everything I did or enjoyed, since I was meant to be an 'adult', but I still very much felt like a kid. I was constantly being reminded of the fact that I act 'like a child' by my mother, and seeing other people's life flourish sans-school uniform, made me feel like a total failure of an adult. However, in hind-sight I realise that it's not so much what these people did, it's who they were while they did it. Tell me that like 7 years ago and I'd have laughed in your face, but now that I'm 29 and a total failure, I have no inhibitions and I can say whatever the fuck I want. Half the people who have their degrees and worked in every country imaginable are going to end up burdened down with three kids and no time to spend with their kids in a few years time. They will probably be miserable accountants and wish away every working day of their lives. Now, I'm not saying by any means that I won't be pissed off about my mortgage or rent and ever growing brood, but at least I'll be able to say that I didn't put in half the work and I ended up in the same boat. As my old business teacher used to say: 'the end justifies the means'.

hillarious songs from my teenagehood....ahhh memories

Sisqo - the thing song

Shaggy - it wasn't me

Afroman- because I got high

Outkast - Hey ya

The bloodhound gang 

Offspring - fly for a white guy

Traceys mom

Tenacious D - tribute

Current music videos and my thoughts on them summarised in a sentence: Take 4

WARNING: Music has turned into an auto-tuned toilet, if you are not ready for some real and raw opinions, do not read my summarised opinions. Peace, love, and bananas.

Luis Fonsi - Despacito

This song connects us all to our Celtic roots, and we all feel Spanish when we passionately lip sink along with Fonsi and yer one.

Taylor Swift - Look What You Made Me Do

That girl got her period about three years ago, and the flow has not ended since.

DJ Khaled - Wild Thoughts ft. Rihanna

That guitar solo grinds though my ear drums like fingernails on a chalk board...also, why is Rihanna hanging out with that ugly fat man?

Jonas Blue - Mama FT. William Singe

He's not black...he's native Australian...IKR?

Demi Lovato - Sorry not sorry

Demi has taken the approach of screaming into a microphone here, and wearing what appears to be long purple stockings with heels...you do you, Demi.