Why this bish almost stopped shopping

Good video to watch if you're considering BOTOX

Life hack for 11 lines

I have the most ungodly 11 lines between my eyes, that are only comparable to that of a grumpy old man who works somewhere he detests with a  passion. They are a huge insecurity of mine, and consistently make me look grumpy and pissed off, even when I'm really happy. It's made people act very sour towards me in the past, and I'm sick of constantly having to look emotionless, lest I end up looking like a serial killer. 

I've I tried everything from microneedling to every serum under the sun...nothing works. And I'm sick of it. BOTOX seems to be the only option, but it completely defeats the purpose. I can actually walk around not frowning, problem is, when I frown, my face doesn't take on a normal frown position, it looks like two enormous concaves etched into my face. In certain lights it's very distinct and makes me look like a murderer. So I found this video...and I'm going to give it a shot.

#nobotox

#lifehack

A self reminder

My traumatizing experience with "anti-depressants"

What is this? I mean for real. Did you know that one of the main side effects of taking anti-depressants is "suicidal thoughts"? Okay, call me a fucking dope here if you want, but surely they should be called "pro-depressants" if that's the case. I'm giving y'all a warning that this is going to be a word vomit, because I need to get this off my chest.

Okay, right off the bat I'd like to reiterate that this is my blog and I can say whatever the heck I want; and I'm saying that anti depressant medication should be made illegal.

The culprit in question was this little cardboard box of poison:

Otherwise known as "lexapro".

I was prescribed this by my GP, a young woman with an uncomfortable disposition, who looks at me with her head cocked to one side when I ask for prescriptions for contraception pills, as if I have no right to be having sex. She's clearly inexperienced and seems to think I should know more about what's good for my health than she ever could. Which is true, since she's clearly forgotten everything she's ever learnt in med school. I've done my research into anti-depressants, and admittedly probably scare mongered myself into believing that they are the devil itself incarnate, and if I eat them I may as well be swallowing a very tiny rotund demon. So, bearing in mind my pre judgement of these little pills, it's not really any wonder I got what I was expecting, and then some.

The first day taking them was fine, I was a bit sweaty and feeling a bit tense, but overall I was grande. No bother. The second day however, oh holy Moses. I was in public when I started to feel faint and had an overwhelming compulsion to burst into tears. So I sat and cried as my body gave way. Within minutes I was stretched out on the pavement reeling and crying. I looked and felt a state, but I couldn't stop. Eventually I started asking strangers for hugs as it was the only thing that alleviated the pain. I couldn't stand, and the only relief I got was lying on the ground, with my head elevated, with someone fanning me. And I know what you're thinking...this sounds like my inner craving to be treated like the queen of Sheba, and you're probably right on some level there, but none the less that's the only relief I got for a solid half an hour.

My body has never felt so weak before. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. Then, to add fuel to fire, all the embarrassing emotional mush I'd been bottling up for years came cascading out of me like a giant fountain of cringe. I was in floods of tears telling a stranger how much I love everyone, and how I can't stand all the evil in the world, and how I love distant family members I haven't seen in decades, and how I love her, and how I love everyone, and how seeing people in pain causes me pain...and on and on I went. I just kept owning up to my overly kind heart that I wish was a bit more selfish, since I have no idea how to take care of myself, and give all I have away, because my ego is so attached to being the next fucking mother Teresa. If my ego had its way, it would let popes be women and have me up in that pulpit asking Ireland to join the family of the Catholic church last Sunday. Thankfully it doesn't get its way, since my ego is clearly....insane, and I need to keep that shit in check.

Anyway...that was that. Point is I'm now week two into my "recovery", which basically just involves me hiding under a blanket, in the dark, trying to meditate but then getting distracted by my sudden and random suicidal thoughts. Now, when I say I've never had a suicidal thought before, I mean I've never reached a point where I thought "okay...I'm done, I have nothing left to do/say/whatever". Yet now that's how I feel. It's sad and weird, since I've always been such a happy person, even on my darkest days. Yet I've somehow reached a point where if you were to hand me a glass of poison, I'd gingerly gulp it back and then just lie on my bed and wait to die...which in fairness sounds to me like depression, and I'm not accepting it as a "side effect" to taking anti-depressants. As far as I can see these pills are not so much an antidote for depression as they are a symptom inducing frenzy pill that give people with shit self esteem enough of a distraction that they become less self conscious of the world they live in, and therefore encounter less hate, since they're so caught up in the fucked up mindset of the "pill popper". My self esteem is still in the gutter, but now I'm so distracted by my suicidal thoughts and general restlessness that my low self esteem isn't even something my body is bothered with working on anymore. A mere two weeks ago my mind frame was malleable, shifting and evolving, riding the waves of this thing called life; looking forward, and seeing improvement as a very real and changing thing. I can now say that taking those two pills has made my thinking rigid and linear, which is not natural and is far from what I can describe as an improvement.

To summarise, these pills have taught me one thing and one thing only, that I was fine before; that all the thoughts I had before taking the pills were normal and valid; and that the only thing "wrong" in my life was not who I was, but other people's apparant lack of acceptance of who I was. As my old councillor used to tell me to re-itterate: "I am me, and I am okay".

137 days left (30 b4 30)

What I've done so far

OK so the year has zoomed in! I've managed to dedicate a lot of time to the "play" section of my 30 b4 30 list. I did manage to download all my videos and pictures onto my laptop, but then that lump of metal shite decided to get a virus, so I have to clear it all and re-download everything...and there is a lot...so I'm putting that off since I don't really have the money at the moment. At least I put a lot of the pictures up on Facebook, so that brings me joy. I have yet to plunder into the relics of my old Mac, and I can't wait...I don't know why I keep putting it off?

I'm also teaching myself how to read effectively and quickly from an old book from the seventies I found in my grandad's old library. It helped me romp through my late grand uncle's short novel, and I'm slowly but surely getting through a book my grandad wrote in Irish based on his adventures in Romania. In memory of my grandad, and to make up for all those years I failed to pay attention to him while he spoke about the books he was writing, I'm going to try as best I can to educate myself on the history of his beloved Romania, and finish the book with all that in mind. Next on my list after those two books, is a book my Dad co-wrote about cultural interactions (or something?)

Also in play I added putting an effort into my skincare regime. I've been doing this anyway for the past few years, but I began to feel a bit Patrick Bateman in American Psycho's opening scene-ish, so I stopped. For months I've only been using a day cream with SPF and vitamin C, which burns my skin. But only today I purchased a serum called "Hyaluronan facial serum" from the health food store. Let's see how I get on, and I'll give a review once it's empty.

In terms of seeing my family more, that has definitely improved. We don't see each other as much as we used to because of a stupid in-law, but I'm trying to make the most of the short time I have left with my baby cousin before he turns 20 (just over a year). So I want to see him at least monthly until then. I always buy him gifts, because he is a gift, and deserves them.

Looking forward

I also said I'd get a tape recorder to play my grandad's old tapes. I actually spotted this on argos.ie, and it looks amazing, it actually turns tapes into mp3s. I mean, yes it takes away the vintage quality, but I could just do this to all my old tape recordings I did with me and my friends as a kid as well, and it'll be really nice to listen back to. In terms of reading 5-10 recommended books, I'm going by the BBC's top 100 reads. I've already read a chunk of them, be that either during my school days or book clubs, so I'm going to wait until I've read about 50 of these books before I start re-reading. So far this year I've already listened to the audio books of: Animal Farm, The Little Prince and A Clockwork Orange on youtube, since they were the shortest books, the challenge is going to be the 800 page long hummdingers, such as 'Gone with wind' or 'Great Expectations'. 

Well in terms of "work" I'll be starting a makeup course in Tallaght soon, and then I'll go onto the makeup for the stage course, which will just be starting, and I'm so excited bissssshhhhhhh. In terms of CST and Pilates its really more of an investment and a choice to invest in my health and my back. So, hopefully me and me ma can invest in reformer Pilates and see how we get on? Again, purchasing "frownies" is just simply something I need to exert effort into...so yeah, I'm clearly not very organised with this 30 b4 30 shizzle. The same goes for visiting my family all over Ireland, but I think it's more of an awkward feeling more than anything. I love them n all, but I've not seen some of them in over 20 years, and others still since I was born. So it's more that I need to swallow my pride, pull a Nike, and just do it.

X the sexy bish....bye

Nail polish review: Essie 'ciao effect'

I bought this lil fella in TK Maxx a good while ago. I know that a lot of salons do use Essie as their main brand, so I thought this would be a good one to practice with. However, after flirting with different brands, and seeing which one is best to practice with, I have come to the conclusion, that the only thing worth practising with is cheap fast drying polishes like wet n wild insta-dry, or rimmell 60-second, especially if you are doing two coats. However, I was actually planning to walk around with this guy on my nails, so I gave it time to dry, while I tried to find something to do which didn't involve hands for a solid hour. This is a subtle, yet beautiful colour. I don't think it suited my dark complexion that well, but I'm sure it would look fabulous on lighter skin tones. The coverage is fantastic, and I wasn't even sure a second coat was necessary. I have yet to buy an insta-dry top coat (I have my eye on the Sally Hansen one), so this is it without a top coat, and it looks lovely. I think I'd have to tone down my outfit if I were to wear it with this, since it's such a timid colour (can a colour be timid even?), but once your wearing a matchy outfit, I think this would bring it all together. A word about application...my gawwwd this applied like a dream, it was so velvety and smooth going on the nail. over all I loved it! Fair play Essie! ***** Five stars!!

30 before 30 list

So, I have about 350 days left until I turn the big 3-0, so I decided to jump on the 30 before 30 bandwagon and see how I get on. After seeing these lists for years, I always put them off because I always decided what people put on their lists were so *yawn* like...buy a house. I knew for a start that I could never save up a mortgage in that time frame, and secondly, it seemed so prudent and practical it made me loose interest so fast. However, now that I am almost thirty, and in my final year of my twenties, I have realised that these practical measures people took in their early twenties really did make sense, because I'm almost 30 now, and I have no financial or material security, and it does make life a lot less pleasant. So lessgo!

WORK.

• Get a contract job working in a salon
• Learn how to do shellac, gel and acrylic nails
• Think about and brain storm other career paths
• save 2k euro and pay off all my debts
• do a makeup course
• enjoy my job and work in a nice environment

LIFE.

• Be a nicer, happier person
• Get a room and decorate it and be happy there and stay there for a year
• See my family weekly and talk to my family in Egypt (and Germany) a lot more
• Do something about my hair
• Visit Daddy in Egypt, and stay for at least a month
• learn Arabic from Dad
• get into yoga/Pilates and practise at least twice a week
• Go to acupuncture/cranio-sacral therapy once a month
• Start up at the gym again
• meditate a few times a week
• Nourish and create good friendships
• Visit family all over Ireland
• Get all skincare stuff to prevent aging and use every day
• Do a photoshoot
• Take less shit from people, and establish clearer boundaries
• Buy three well fitted jeans, and three comfortable pairs of shoes
• Fuck your old limiting beliefs out the window and stop replaying them in your head!

PLAY

• Read one book daeideo wrote, one Daddy wrote and one Tomas wrote
• Read about 5-10 recommended books
• Go to vocal coaching
• Do 2-5 night courses over the year
• Get a tape recorder to play old tapes of daeideo
• have a full movie day with mum
• Try a different kind of facial
• Get frownies for my frown lines and wear nightly
• go on a rollercoaster
• go on at least one date (but don't do anything together, just talk)
• download all my old videos onto laptop and put into dropbox
• Listen to my uncle's old records on vinyl